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It's Thursday of half term and I'm waiting on Jamie to arrive at 3. I've done nothing constructive in the last week except German homework and maths revision this morning, neither I can even remember doing. I just know I got them done. It's back to school on Monday and in a way I want to go back, it's something to do with my time and saves me from sheer boredom, only leaving me with moderate boredom. Also Monday means it's 5 days until I go to Wales with Lauren to meet all her friends in Aberystwyth.  I'm really looking forward to meeting them all and Lauren tells me they're looking forward to meeting me too. Hopefully I'll make a good impression! She also told me that her and Sian (a friend I've already met and who we're staying with for the weekend) are going to make me hike up some hills. She used the word hike so I'm entirely sure as to how high this hill is and to whether I'm entirely cut out for a hike. But I'm determined to show Lauren that us English CAN handle Welsh hills! I've never been to Wales before so I'm really excited about going, plus I get to show Lauren's Welsh friends that England is looking after her. I know I'm going to be a proper tourist, taking pictures of everything I see like a little girl. It's like a little holiday for me! Eeeeep!

Good morning fellow bloggers :) How are we all today? 


For once it's a very sunny day in my not-so-nice town. I wonder how long this decent weather will last. I'm not supposed to be on the internet today, mum thinks I spend too much time on it and I told her I'd be doing some reading today. Which I will after I've posted this.

I'm off to see the Wanted tomorrow, I'm really starting to look forward to it now :)
I'm going to Hinchingbrooke Park with my friends on Saturday for a large group get-together, so it should be good, as long as the boys don't start being annoying dweebs. And then I'm at a friends house on Monday :) The next few days are look promising, I just hope they live up to my expectations.

What are you all doing these next few days?

Long time no post.

Oh my gosh! It's been absolutely ages since I last posted! I've completely lost track of the time! It's just flown by these last few months! I think the last time I posted was March? Jeeez, so much has happened.

Well, in May I went on work experience to a primary school :) it was amazing and i learnt so much from my experience. I worked with year 1's at first. They were absolutely adorable, I wanted to take them all home with me! I then went to work in year 5. They weren't so nice, constantly calling me 'Hannah Montana' which I despise -.- I put up with them for the 3 days I was in there, but it was such a relief to get out! I then had to go into year 6, and if the year 5's were anything to go by, the year 6's were going to be awful. I felt bad for judging them before I'd even met them, but the year 5's had made me so cautious of the older kids. They were unbelievabl rude to me, and it's true when I say I was intimadated by them! The day I had to go into year 6 I burst into tears. The headteachers PA had to take me aside to ask me what was wrong. I felt so rude. I'd basically told her I hated the year 5 students and didn't want to go back! She put me in pre-school that day, the kids were lovely! I made an idiot of myself at lunch though. The pre-school staff were asking me where I had been beforehand, and I told them about my horrific experience in year 5, then one of the staff said that her child was in year 5. I went bright red and was so embarassed! I wanted to ground to swallow me up there and then. It was mortifying. Luckily she saw the funny side and said that they are rude and that I should try living with one. I laughed nervously but still felt really bad for basically insulting her child. I went in year 2 at the end of my last week with my friend Becca. , they were lovely and the teacher was even nicer! Me and Becca were asked to tidy up the bookshelves outside. I love tidying, and I had a little order going on. I told Becca to let me do it, I didn't want her messing it all up, lol. The look on her face when I told her I'd do it myself was hilarious, she looked at me as if I'd just told her she was a princess! So I spend about 4 hours tidying up the bookshelf, after break the next day, the bookshelf was in the same mess as it was before I had even started tidying it up. One was not amused. Overall work experience was amazing. I really didn't want to go back to school after that. I still miss the year 1's and year 2's, I'd love to go back and see them again!

In May half term I had my friend Francesca down to stay for a few days. I hadn't seen her in nearly 2 years so I was really looking forward to seeing her! :) I had an amazing time and I definately won't be leaving it as long until I see her again!

June brought a bomb of exams. I had about 13 in total. I got so stressed and started panicking. Had I done enough revision for Chemistry? Had I done too much for History? My mind was all over the place, I don't know how I got through all of the exams without going crazy!

I've had a massive room tidy up, I took down ALL of my JLS posters. This is an achievement for me because I was in love with them. They covered all of my walls, so it's fair to say my walls looked very naked when I took all the posters down. I felt it was time to say goodbye to JLS and put other things on my wall. I raided my magazine box and tore all my magazines to shreds. I also went on tumblr and printed off so much stuff! It was all motivational happy stuff in case I ever feel down and need a pick-me-up :) I bugged my dad left, right and centre to get me a white board and a pin board. It took about 3 days of me moaning for him to crack and go buy me one and put it up :) However my mum and sister now use it as a way to leave me sarcastic notes and drawings! I've printed off loads of pictures of me and my friends and put them next to my mirror, so when I do my hair and make-up in the mornings I can look at the pictures and be happy :) my motivational picture idea rubbed off onto my friend Katrina who has also raided tumblr and printed off loads of images. Although she went about the wrong way and has printed off some negative, depressing stuff. I told her this is not the right thing to do because she'll wake up and see that depressing stuff and feel down all day. Why is she so intent on bringing herself down? Siriusly (see what I did there? hahahaha).

On the 14th July my boyfriend took me to see The Script at Thetford Forest. They were a-ma-zing. 'Nuff said.

It's now the summer holidays and I'm off to see The Wanted on Friday xD so excited, I have to get dressed up though. It's at Newmarket nights so I have to sit through the races first and then I get to see The Wanted :) yayayayayay! 

How have your last few months been? :)

I love you

I love you.  For who you are and what you make me feel.
You may not be the norm and what everyone else considered 'hot' or 'sexy'. But neither am I.
We're like two peas in a pod and we go together. You're exactly what I've been looking for.
You make me feel like a princess and put that smile on my face, even when the last thing I want to be doing is smiling. You're my best friend. I'm me when I'm with you. All my walls come down and I'm left bare with no protection, because you are my protection. You're my shelter from stormy seas and your arms are the ones I long to be held by. When you're holding me no one can hurt me.

You're part of me. You see me for who I am, not want I pretend to be. You make me oh so happy and without you I would be lonely. When I feel like no one gives a damn, you show me that you care. You've proven to me so many times that you're there for me, and I thank you for all the times you've made me feel better. I love you so much and I don't want to lose you. You are the best anyone could ever have.

These last two years have been amazing, and I hope we have so many more to come. Because I'm never letting you go.

postpostpostpost

Woaah. Long time no post, had so much going on, had my maths exam on Tuesday. Easier than I thought it would be. And I have my English tomorrow, got to write a film review for Baz Luhrmann's Romeo and Juliet.

I've really been quite low for the last few weeks to be honest, so I'm going to take the time to apologise for the really depressing posts. It's just my friends aren't being so friendly at the moment. Let's just say 'Fucking Perfect' By Pink is the song that really means a lot to me at the moment.

My friends are just constantly picking at me. About every little fucking thing I do. If I talk to the boys who hang around with us for a while and then go over to them I get the whole Oh My Gosh Hannah Is Actually Talking To Us scenario. I said to them today 'Why do you always say that?'. All I got was 'You never stand with us'. I said 'Yes I do', but all I wanted to scream was 'You think I'm wrong? All you do is make me feel like shit because all you do is pick at me. I can't do anything fucking right by you lot, you make me so insecure, you make me feel like such a bad friend when all I do is try to be a good friend. And this is how you fucking make me feel. Thanks a bunch, you guys are real good 'friends'.

I didn't though, as angry as I am I really can't be doing with the arguments. My life is messed up enough as it is, I don't need an argument on top of it all. So I just turned to my friend who hadn't said anything and started fiddling with her hair.

I'm just so fed up of all the snide remarks. I understand the boys doing it, they're immature and don't know any better. But my girl mates just do it to be bitchy. They wonder why I don't stand with them. The boys aren't as bitchy as they are.

I'm sorry that I'm always complaining in my blog posts. I just feel so alone and so upset that this is the only place where I can post without being judged and sniped at. The only place I feel understood. I feel better sharing my life and feelings with complete strangers.  And I also apologise for the swearing, I'm just so angry and upset that I convey my anger through swear words. So I'm sorry.

I just can't be doing with this shit anymore.

F*ck this.

I'm really fed up right about now. I'm fed up with the way my body looks and the way it makes me feel. I'm fed up of being the only one eating in my friendship group. I hate being the one who's associated with food and can't be without it, the one who has to have a piece of every cookie. Because I don't. I don't need food.  I'm fed up of the smarmy comments about how I can't go a school day without eating.

I said the other day that I only had a small lunch. One of my friends said 'How are you gonna survive on that? You won't be full, you'll need more.'

I didn't know what to say. I just stood there, feeling like a fucking blimp. I hate having people see me like that. Yes. I do like food, surely that's a good thing? I don't excess eat. I have the occasional treat. But now I feel like that is too much. I feel like I'm a fat person who can't survive three hours without something to eat.

I said to one of them yesterday that I was fed up of being the one who was 'always' eating. I told her that I'm now on a diet and cutting down on the amount of food I bring to school so that I don't feel like a blimp stood next to them all. She said 'You don't need to go on a diet, you're slim as you are'. I replied. 'If I'm so fucking perfect, how come I feel like a blimp? How come I feel like the one who always has food in her mouth and can't stop for shit? How come I feel like this?'

Well, lets just say she didn't know how to respond to that. I'm sick and tired of being the one who receives the 'jokey' comments. "Oh Hannah isn't eating she must be ill, she never misses a break-time snack or lunch"

Every single comment makes me feel 10pounds heavier. I'm now cutting down on my food. I want to be slimmer. I want to show my friends that I can survive without food. I don't want to be the one associated with food anymore. I hate it, and I hate myself at the moment. And I'm fed up with the way my 'friends' act towards the issue.

what. the. hell.

My old love for Avril Lavigne has come back. She used to be my favourite music artist back when I was 12 years old. Oh the memories. But then sadly she disappeared off the music scene for a little while. And now she is back! Major excitement! She inspires me so much, her along with Taylor Swift and my mother. Those 3 women inspire me the most.

I remember the first time I brought an Avril Lavigne CD. I was on holiday with my family in Scotland and wanted to spend some money. I must have been about 8 years old. And I saw 'Let Go' On the shelf, so I bought it. I listen to the songs today and memories of that holiday come flooding back.

Then there was 'Under My Skin'. I got it as a birthday present, didn't listen to it much, but then Year 7 came along and I couldn't stop listening to 'My Happy Ending'. 'The Best Damn Thing' followed after that, and I remember desperately wanting that album and being so happy when I got it at Christmas.

Then Avril Lavigne went away *sad face*. But now she is back with her new single 'What The Hell' and her new album 'Goodbye Lullaby' is out in March! BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ! I honestly cannot wait! <3

I think Avril Lavigne (like Taylor Swift) is one of the most beautiful girls in the whole world. I want to look like her, be like her. I want THAT hair. It's amazing and I wish I had hair like that. But most of all I want that confidence. The ability to just say how I feel or what I want without doubting or thinking about what other people will think of me. Avril Lavigne makes me feel good about myself in so many different ways. She's an inspiration.

this is my post.

i'm off to play squash today with my best friends, never been in my life, so i have absolutely no idea what i'm doing! apparently the ball is bloody tiny and made of rubber. that's gonna fail, but i know we'll have a laugh!

i'm off to tesco's with my sister in a bit, need to go get some new heels for tonight. me, mum, dad and katie are going out for a meal to the marriot hotel with our grandparents, and my current heals are too small for me. plus katie wants to wear them, so i'm buying new ones from tesco's. i would go to new look, but i'm busy this afternoon failing at squash so tesco's it is. i didn't force my sister to come with me, my mother did. it's because there have been some reports about rapes around our area (aaahh!) and she doesn't want me out on my own. i don't understand why, no ones going to rape me, but i'll give her the peace of mind.

i'm looking forward to going out later, mum  said i could have a three course dinner if i go on the cross trainer tomorrow morning, we're both doing it, because we're both watching our weight and we both want a nice meal.

so long all, have a great day now! <3

a weighty issue.

i've fallen victim to the one subject that consumes just about EVERY teenage girl to ever walk this messed up earth.
weight issues.
i'm in a desperate attempt to lose weight, over xmas i indulged and put some weight, and i'm determined to lose it and more.

i want to be thin, i don't want to be fat, if i was fat i would feel like i have no control over myself. i want to control the way my body looks every minute of every day. and i'll try everything in my power to do that.

every one of my friends thinks they're fat, even though they aren't. they fallen victim to it too. it affects every teenage girl and there's nothing i can do to stop the way i'm feeling. help.

love. live. life.

i'm trying to get back into the swing of blogging. i've been quite slack lately and i want to keep up with it. blogging is my way of getting my feelings across, it's my online journal to be honest.

i've an awful week to be perfectly honest. tuesday was the worst day by far though. the only good thing to come out of it was my english result. we had to write an essay on texting and mobile phonest. most. boring. thing. ever. 3 hours of my life that i'm never going to get back. but anyway, on wednesday we found out our results, and i got a B. i was proud of myself, i'd tried hard and my work had paid off. yesterday i found out that the boundaries had been moved and my mark had gone up to an A! i was even more proud of myself. other than that my week has been pretty crap.

i've got the opticians today, i'm like 5 years overdue! so i kind of need to go. i wonder if they do it differently? i havn't had my eyes tested since i was 10 and i vaguely remember looking at letters on a board that got smaller as you went down, and touching something. the rest is a blur. i wonder if its all changed now? i'll ask my sister, she goes often because she has glasses.

i've only been back at school a week and a half and i'm already in desperate need of a holiday. my school have been so mean and just piled the homework on me. which isn't a nice thing to do on their behalf. and we're also doing work experience, we should be finding out our placements soon. until then we're working from this green booklet, which basically tells us all this stuff about how to make a good impression on an employer yadda yadda. it's pretty boring, but i guess it's meant to be helpful, so i won't be too critical. just yet...

when we do this kind of thing i really want to grow up. i want to leave school, get a car, buy a house, get a job and start living. i'm half way between becoming an adult and leaving childhood. i hate being classed as a child, i want to be treated like a grown up. i'm 15 not 2! but i guess when i'm 18 i'll question why i wanted to grow up. when i've got bills to pay and lunch boxes to fill i'll ask why i wanted to leave my childhood home. i don't want to leave my mum and dad. in some way i just want to be a little kid again, when i had no worries. but others i want to be grown up and fulfill my dreams and live my life the way i want to.

being a teenager is so goddamn annoying, hormones are flying everywhere, one minute your really happy, the next you're on the floor in tears. decisions need to made. some big some small, but everyone feels like it's a life or death situtation. why is life so hard? :/

what a screw up.

my day has probably been one of the worst days of my life.


i woke up this morning feeling perfectly fine, i had german today, and i love this subject, so i was instantly in a good mood because of that.
went to school, got into maths, and my hair was a mess. bad thing #1. i had left it down today, because i rarely do, so i decided not to straigten it as much and go natural-ish. but that went wrong and i looked like i had just gotten out of bed all day.
then my boy mates Jamie and Aarron, thought it would be funny to take the piss out of me. in year 9 i constantly got jokes from them about the size of my forehead, which they tell me is large :( so they decided to bring that up again bad thing #2 . then Aarron started taking the piss out my last name, saying things like "buttrape." and "buttkiss" bad thing #3 so overall my maths lesson was a failure, and that was only first lesson.


i then had PDLS and Jamie thought it would be funny to take my scarf and wind me up about that. bad thing #4
break was next, and one of my friends says to me "what has happened to your hair?!" i felt like a mess. i felt like a dog. i was then talking to another friend about shoe size and what colour socks we were wearing. so i slipped my school pumps off to show her, and my shoes were knicked. they were then thrown around and ended up in the bin. bad thing #5 one of my other boy mates Kierron picked it out and then thought it would be funny to throw it back in. bad thing #6 the only boy who was decent enough to pick it out was James, they were dirty so he cleaned them for me and gave them back. The only boy who has been nice to me all day. I was really upset at this point and started crying so my friends Katrina and Lauren were hugging me.


I was upset for the rest of the day and i've felt awful. i just needed a mummy cuddle. so when i came home that was the first thing i did.


and to make matters worse, someone has gone and upset my best friend Katrina, so that has made my day EVEN worse.


i hope you have all had a good day today (:

Happy New Year

Happy new year!

Wow 2011 already. 2010 flew by! Quicker than I thought it would!

I had such a good year in 2010. It really was one of the BEST years of my life!
In 2010 I:
- Went to italy with the school.
- Visited belgium and got to see all the WW1 graves.
- Went to cyprus with the family.
- Saw JLS live in concert with my best friend.
- Reached 2 years with my boyfriend.
- Started year 10.
- Got an A* in my German test.
- Made a new friend.

I achieved/did quite a lot in 2010. I hope 2011 is just as good. I do have the normal set of new years resolutions. Eat less. Loose weight. Yadda yadda. But I want to be happy this year, and try exceptionally hard in school. I want to make the most of today. Because you never know what tomorrow will bring.

So here's to 2011, come what may.

♥

I just want you back.

I had a lovely christmas this year. My aunt came over, she's been on her own for a few years now, after my nan died, so my dad invited her to spend christmas with us. In the evening when she had gone home, me, my dad, my mum and my sister sat talking about my nan. About her christmas pudding, and how i would have liked it. I never got to try it, she was always in a wheelchair from when i was little, and then she was confined to her bed. She never got the chance to make it again.

My dad was telling us all these stories about how lovely she was when he was a child. He was closer to his nan than he was to his own parents. Then he told me something that really upset me, it really got to me. My nan lived to be 98 years old. For about 4-5 years she was in her bed. Never leaving her bedroom. We all thought she was going to go a few months after she was told she had to stay in her bed. But she kept on going. My dad told me, that the only reason she kept on living was for me, my little sister and my cousin Ben. It made me so happy to know she did that. She must have been in pain, but she lived for those visits from us. I'd give anything to have just one visit again. I miss her so much and it hurts at christmas when she isn't there, it hurts on boxing day when we don't go over to see her and have another christmas day there. It hurts even going over there with her room still empty.

It upsets me and pains me to know she won't be there so see me pass my GCSE's, or see me get married. She would have been 101 this year. But she never got to see that birthday. And sadly she'll see no more birthdays.

I'll never forget you nanny, the pictures may fade but my memories of you will never go away. ♥

buzz buzz buzz!

So it's Christmas Eve today! One more sleep until the fat man comes! I feel like such a little kid, getting all excited for Christmas. I just love spending time with family and vigourously opening the presents on Christmas morning. I love the smell of Christmas dinner cooking as well, I give myself the target of finishing Christmas dinner, I usually fail, but this year I will succeed!

My aunt is coming round this year, so me and Dad are going to go pick her up tomorrow after we've done the present unwrapping. I can guarantee my Dad will say later "Right. You two (me and Katie) are older now and don't need to get up at the crack of dawn tomorrow morning, so we'll get up about 8 and you can have your presents then." Tomorrow morning will come and at 4am he'll be up with my Mum, wanting to open the presents. At 6am, he'll yell "WAKEY WAKEY IT'S CHRISTMAS!" maan, you've got to love my Dad and his insanity!

I'm seeing my boyfriend today, and we're doing our present switching. He's off to Scotland for the new year so I won't see him until we go back to school probably. That's if he can get up there, the weather is horrendous!

I'm really looking forward to Christmas. A lot of people I know aren't feeling the Christmas buzz, but I am, they're just Scrooges!

Merry Christmas! :)
Hannah x

wooaah, long time no post.

i've been really busy the last few weeks, due to exams and everything. but it's the xmas holidays now so i have NO excuse.

life has got pretty hectic atm, and i'm pretty proud of myself. i recently got an A in my biology test, which was very good for me, B in R.E, and a C in history. I wasn't too pleased with my history mark, but my target grade is a B so i guess i'm working on par with that? i'll get better though as the year progresses.

i've got all my xmas shopping done, and gave out my friends xmas pressies on friday, i had to lug them to school in a big bag, as well as my p.e kit. i might as well have taken my whole house with me!

also found out the other day that this new boy in our group likes me. was surprising, but it was nice.

5 days until xmas! wooopiee! can't wait! my target is to finish my xmas dinner! i managed to complete it last year, and i intend to this year. i hope i feel better though, i barely ate yesterday and i'm only just starting to get my appetite back. i havn't been too well these last few days :( if i stay inside though for the next couple of days i should be ok. i shouldn't have gone out yesterday. it was waaaaay too cold for me, especially when you're ill!

anyway, i'll write soon!
merry christmas!
Hannah :) x

and i'll go sit on the floor wearing your clothes.

i apologise now for the title. it was the lyric that was playing when i was trying to think of a title for this blog.

this is going to be happy post. because that is how i am feeling right now.
i've had a week to myself this week, i've been feeling a bit down recently as you know, and i started developing feelings for another boy. when i have boyfriend, so i felt like a bitch. but i told my mum i wanted space to be myself, and i got that. and now i realise that it was just admiration for this boy, and that i am in love with my boyfriend. this space has made me realise just how much he means to me. i never acted on my feelings with this other boy. i still loved my boyfriend, and i thought i liked him too. i posted that blog because my feeling were confusing me, i thought i loved him. but i guess i didn't.

i've got my welsh friend coming tomorrow. she's been ill the last two days, but she's better now, and coming in tomorrow for our non uniform day and our sleepover ^_^ i love her accent. the welsh accent is amazing. she tried to teach me a word in welsh, but i screwed it up and gave up. it was too confusing for my small brain :D

taylor swift is my new obsession. i love her new album. it's like her songs are my feelings in song form. she knows just how i'm feeling. and she's also so damn gorgeous! she's brought a smile to my face. and i love belting her songs out when i'm getting ready in the morning.

homework has been piling this week. i managed to survive a whole half term of year 10 with hardly any homework. but now they decide to dump it on me -.- great. 3rd december is the day of my controlled assessment. basically i have to write an essay on texting in english to go toward my final GCSE english grade. currently on an A from that speaking and listening exam i was shitting myself about.

i also finished my book yesterday. i love the feeling of achievement i get when i finish a book. another one to add to my collection. it was 'family album' by danielle steel. she is my favourite writer. she has taught me the meaning of so many intellectual words. she is the reason for my english grades going up. my mum always said if i read more my grades would go up. and she was right. so i started reading danielle steel books. and in a term my grade had gone up from a 6C to a 7C. i was sooo proud of myself. now i'm working at A's :) i feel like such a boff ^-^ but in a good way. i want to succeed and besides reading is fun. a book is another world and you can really connect and feel the characters. like they are your friends. but sadly the book has to end and the characters go away. but you can then start a new book and meet new characters :D

anyway. i'm going now. i hope you enjoyed reading my post like i enjoy reading yours.
tschuss!

Life is never easy. You just have to deal with it.

I feeling a little happier now. He is still on my mind 24/7 but I guess I like it that way. I do love him, he's the only thing I think about. He makes me happy. So I'm going to embrace that.

My friends and family have really proven themselves the last few days. I've also come closer to this new welsh girl! She's absolutely lovely and me and my best friend are hanging around with her on Saturday. Hopefully our friendship can blossom and she'll become one of my closest friends.

 I've had a smile on my face constantly lately. It's made everything better. Taylor Swift's song 'Never Grow Up' made me want to stay young forever. When all I've wanted for a while is to be an adult and run my own life. I guess I really do need my mummy all the time!

I did really well on my Chemistry test today. Got an A, 70%. This was even better for me seeing as I got a D in my physics on Friday and failed. So the A made up for my failure.

I'm happier at the moment. I hope my friends and family stay the same and I hope he stays with me for a long time.

Smile you beauties. Whenever life gets hard, show it your middle finger and smile through the pain!
Bye beautiful! <3

And I need you now tonight...

I woke up today to the same familiar face in my head. To the one I've woken up to for a long time. I can't shake him off. He won't go away. He won't set me free. I'm forever under his spell. I want to understand this feeling. I want to know how to handle it, so I don't ruin the relationships I have now. I don't want to feel this way. But when I say that I know it's a lie. Because I do want to love him. He's all I think about. He is my thoughts, he is my feeling. He is my life.

I don't like the way I feel. I want to feel happy, but he gives me that, he gives me happiness and pleasure. But not in the ways that I want to feel that. I miss him when we're 'apart'. I miss him whenever I'm not doing something that involves him. I want him next to me, to hold me, to cherish me, to tell me he'll never let me go. I hang onto the hope. I hang onto the dreams I have when I fall asleep in the early hours of the morning. No matter how tired I am, he keeps me up. His eyes, his smile, his body...Him. I can't get over this. I don't want to feel this way forever. I want him forever. I want to spend my forever's with him. But what are the chances? I'm too young. I'm too ugly. I'm too much of a nothing.

The feeling of being a 'no body' to him just eats me alive. The feeling of  never being good enough for him. The feeling of being just another face in the crowd. When all he is, is too much for me. I'd never deserve him. He is 'perfect'. People say there is no 'perfect'. But there is. I've found it. If only he would think I was perfect. If only he cared about me, as much as I care about him. If only he saw.

If Only I hadn't fallen in love.

I ain't gonna live forever...

Most of my posts have been happy ones, about nice things, therefore I have been portraying myself as a happy, smiley teenager. But if I'm honest with you, I'm not. At this moment, I'm feeling rather down. I've not told anyone about this. I just can't. I'm feeling 'low'.

Things just seem useless at the moment. I only ever feel happiness when I look at him...and i'm pretty sure that is a bad thing. There should be more happiness in my life, but I can't make myself feel it. I can't force my heart to feel something she doesn't want to feel. She won't let me. She aches for him, longs for him. And all I can do is endure the pain she insists I feel. What can I do to end this? :/

I do have an amazing social circle. My friends mean the world, as do my family. But they just aren't giving me happiness. I know that sounds harsh, they do make me happy, and I love being around them, because to be fair, that's the only time he is off my mind.

I don't want to let him go. But my head is telling me that it's wrong. My head is telling me that I'm stupid, acting silly. That I should let him go. My heart is saying otherwise. She doesn't want to let him go, she wants to hold on to him, hold on to the hope. I don't know who do choose. How do I choose between my head and heart? Do I pick the clever thing? Or the one that results in the way I feel? I just wish I didn't feel like this. That I didn't ache for him so much, that I didn't want him to hug me and kiss me like I do. Why can't I let go?

I need time to get my head around the mess that has become my life. But too much is happening, and I can't keep up with everything. Man, being a teenager is hard.