and i'll go sit on the floor wearing your clothes.

i apologise now for the title. it was the lyric that was playing when i was trying to think of a title for this blog.

this is going to be happy post. because that is how i am feeling right now.
i've had a week to myself this week, i've been feeling a bit down recently as you know, and i started developing feelings for another boy. when i have boyfriend, so i felt like a bitch. but i told my mum i wanted space to be myself, and i got that. and now i realise that it was just admiration for this boy, and that i am in love with my boyfriend. this space has made me realise just how much he means to me. i never acted on my feelings with this other boy. i still loved my boyfriend, and i thought i liked him too. i posted that blog because my feeling were confusing me, i thought i loved him. but i guess i didn't.

i've got my welsh friend coming tomorrow. she's been ill the last two days, but she's better now, and coming in tomorrow for our non uniform day and our sleepover ^_^ i love her accent. the welsh accent is amazing. she tried to teach me a word in welsh, but i screwed it up and gave up. it was too confusing for my small brain :D

taylor swift is my new obsession. i love her new album. it's like her songs are my feelings in song form. she knows just how i'm feeling. and she's also so damn gorgeous! she's brought a smile to my face. and i love belting her songs out when i'm getting ready in the morning.

homework has been piling this week. i managed to survive a whole half term of year 10 with hardly any homework. but now they decide to dump it on me -.- great. 3rd december is the day of my controlled assessment. basically i have to write an essay on texting in english to go toward my final GCSE english grade. currently on an A from that speaking and listening exam i was shitting myself about.

i also finished my book yesterday. i love the feeling of achievement i get when i finish a book. another one to add to my collection. it was 'family album' by danielle steel. she is my favourite writer. she has taught me the meaning of so many intellectual words. she is the reason for my english grades going up. my mum always said if i read more my grades would go up. and she was right. so i started reading danielle steel books. and in a term my grade had gone up from a 6C to a 7C. i was sooo proud of myself. now i'm working at A's :) i feel like such a boff ^-^ but in a good way. i want to succeed and besides reading is fun. a book is another world and you can really connect and feel the characters. like they are your friends. but sadly the book has to end and the characters go away. but you can then start a new book and meet new characters :D

anyway. i'm going now. i hope you enjoyed reading my post like i enjoy reading yours.
tschuss!

Life is never easy. You just have to deal with it.

I feeling a little happier now. He is still on my mind 24/7 but I guess I like it that way. I do love him, he's the only thing I think about. He makes me happy. So I'm going to embrace that.

My friends and family have really proven themselves the last few days. I've also come closer to this new welsh girl! She's absolutely lovely and me and my best friend are hanging around with her on Saturday. Hopefully our friendship can blossom and she'll become one of my closest friends.

 I've had a smile on my face constantly lately. It's made everything better. Taylor Swift's song 'Never Grow Up' made me want to stay young forever. When all I've wanted for a while is to be an adult and run my own life. I guess I really do need my mummy all the time!

I did really well on my Chemistry test today. Got an A, 70%. This was even better for me seeing as I got a D in my physics on Friday and failed. So the A made up for my failure.

I'm happier at the moment. I hope my friends and family stay the same and I hope he stays with me for a long time.

Smile you beauties. Whenever life gets hard, show it your middle finger and smile through the pain!
Bye beautiful! <3

And I need you now tonight...

I woke up today to the same familiar face in my head. To the one I've woken up to for a long time. I can't shake him off. He won't go away. He won't set me free. I'm forever under his spell. I want to understand this feeling. I want to know how to handle it, so I don't ruin the relationships I have now. I don't want to feel this way. But when I say that I know it's a lie. Because I do want to love him. He's all I think about. He is my thoughts, he is my feeling. He is my life.

I don't like the way I feel. I want to feel happy, but he gives me that, he gives me happiness and pleasure. But not in the ways that I want to feel that. I miss him when we're 'apart'. I miss him whenever I'm not doing something that involves him. I want him next to me, to hold me, to cherish me, to tell me he'll never let me go. I hang onto the hope. I hang onto the dreams I have when I fall asleep in the early hours of the morning. No matter how tired I am, he keeps me up. His eyes, his smile, his body...Him. I can't get over this. I don't want to feel this way forever. I want him forever. I want to spend my forever's with him. But what are the chances? I'm too young. I'm too ugly. I'm too much of a nothing.

The feeling of being a 'no body' to him just eats me alive. The feeling of  never being good enough for him. The feeling of being just another face in the crowd. When all he is, is too much for me. I'd never deserve him. He is 'perfect'. People say there is no 'perfect'. But there is. I've found it. If only he would think I was perfect. If only he cared about me, as much as I care about him. If only he saw.

If Only I hadn't fallen in love.

I ain't gonna live forever...

Most of my posts have been happy ones, about nice things, therefore I have been portraying myself as a happy, smiley teenager. But if I'm honest with you, I'm not. At this moment, I'm feeling rather down. I've not told anyone about this. I just can't. I'm feeling 'low'.

Things just seem useless at the moment. I only ever feel happiness when I look at him...and i'm pretty sure that is a bad thing. There should be more happiness in my life, but I can't make myself feel it. I can't force my heart to feel something she doesn't want to feel. She won't let me. She aches for him, longs for him. And all I can do is endure the pain she insists I feel. What can I do to end this? :/

I do have an amazing social circle. My friends mean the world, as do my family. But they just aren't giving me happiness. I know that sounds harsh, they do make me happy, and I love being around them, because to be fair, that's the only time he is off my mind.

I don't want to let him go. But my head is telling me that it's wrong. My head is telling me that I'm stupid, acting silly. That I should let him go. My heart is saying otherwise. She doesn't want to let him go, she wants to hold on to him, hold on to the hope. I don't know who do choose. How do I choose between my head and heart? Do I pick the clever thing? Or the one that results in the way I feel? I just wish I didn't feel like this. That I didn't ache for him so much, that I didn't want him to hug me and kiss me like I do. Why can't I let go?

I need time to get my head around the mess that has become my life. But too much is happening, and I can't keep up with everything. Man, being a teenager is hard.