Most of my posts have been happy ones, about nice things, therefore I have been portraying myself as a happy, smiley teenager. But if I'm honest with you, I'm not. At this moment, I'm feeling rather down. I've not told anyone about this. I just can't. I'm feeling 'low'.
Things just seem useless at the moment. I only ever feel happiness when I look at him...and i'm pretty sure that is a bad thing. There should be more happiness in my life, but I can't make myself feel it. I can't force my heart to feel something she doesn't want to feel. She won't let me. She aches for him, longs for him. And all I can do is endure the pain she insists I feel. What can I do to end this? :/
I do have an amazing social circle. My friends mean the world, as do my family. But they just aren't giving me happiness. I know that sounds harsh, they do make me happy, and I love being around them, because to be fair, that's the only time he is off my mind.
I don't want to let him go. But my head is telling me that it's wrong. My head is telling me that I'm stupid, acting silly. That I should let him go. My heart is saying otherwise. She doesn't want to let him go, she wants to hold on to him, hold on to the hope. I don't know who do choose. How do I choose between my head and heart? Do I pick the clever thing? Or the one that results in the way I feel? I just wish I didn't feel like this. That I didn't ache for him so much, that I didn't want him to hug me and kiss me like I do. Why can't I let go?
I need time to get my head around the mess that has become my life. But too much is happening, and I can't keep up with everything. Man, being a teenager is hard.
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