I woke up today to the same familiar face in my head. To the one I've woken up to for a long time. I can't shake him off. He won't go away. He won't set me free. I'm forever under his spell. I want to understand this feeling. I want to know how to handle it, so I don't ruin the relationships I have now. I don't want to feel this way. But when I say that I know it's a lie. Because I do want to love him. He's all I think about. He is my thoughts, he is my feeling. He is my life.
I don't like the way I feel. I want to feel happy, but he gives me that, he gives me happiness and pleasure. But not in the ways that I want to feel that. I miss him when we're 'apart'. I miss him whenever I'm not doing something that involves him. I want him next to me, to hold me, to cherish me, to tell me he'll never let me go. I hang onto the hope. I hang onto the dreams I have when I fall asleep in the early hours of the morning. No matter how tired I am, he keeps me up. His eyes, his smile, his body...Him. I can't get over this. I don't want to feel this way forever. I want him forever. I want to spend my forever's with him. But what are the chances? I'm too young. I'm too ugly. I'm too much of a nothing.
The feeling of being a 'no body' to him just eats me alive. The feeling of never being good enough for him. The feeling of being just another face in the crowd. When all he is, is too much for me. I'd never deserve him. He is 'perfect'. People say there is no 'perfect'. But there is. I've found it. If only he would think I was perfect. If only he cared about me, as much as I care about him. If only he saw.
If Only I hadn't fallen in love.
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